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6AM

On a night without sleep

I had no sleep last night. Not a minute. Not a second. Not a blip.

Matilda's full of the lurgy but - much to my surprise, given how much snot was pouring from her nose and her eyes yesterday evening - she has been asleep for eleven solid hours so far. So it's not her who's keeping me awake.

Steve is full of the lurgy, too. And therein lies the problem. Because we're supposed to share a bed.

Sharing a bed wasn't working for me last night.

At 3:30, I tried moving to the sofa but I couldn't get comfortable. And I could still hear him struggling to breathe.

At 4:30, I gave up, watched the dregs of a fairly disappointing sunrise and made myself a mug of hot chocolate.

And I've been sitting here by our living room window ever since, my eyes stinging a little too much to read but my mind enjoying some quiet wandering, wondering time.

In my head, I've redecorated our bedroom. Forest green and mustard and dark, dark wood. It might not seem like such a great idea after some sleep (I will sleep again one day, won't I?) but, right now, it feels inspired.

I'm toying with (unaffordable) ideas for the bathroom floor, too. The flat came with tatty lino which looks dusty at all times, presumably to blend in with the real dust, languishing atop the skirting boards. I hate that lino so much but it's such a small space and one which I spend so little time in that it's never been a priority.

Oh, there's the manky carpet on the stairs to think about, too...

Recently, I've been dwelling on some big questions about the future. One day, there will be a life beyond small person parenting, for example, and I've no idea what shape that life will be. Am I prepared to dive into yet another new career, in my early forties? And what should it even be?

I'm too tired for those questions right now, though.

And I'm too unfocused for my current, vague blog negativity which is something to do with the drop in comments. I'm here to put my thoughts in order but, more than that (because I could always write a private, personal diary, right?), I'm here to connect with people. So, while my stats hold steady at a few hundred views per new waffle plus a stream of people reading my two biggest "evergreen" posts, I feel like there are less and less people actually saying hello. I know that's not just me; every time I bother to check Twitter (roughly once a month), I see other bloggers bemoaning the same thing.

It's been bouncing around in my head a lot but this is not the time to explore it.

This is the time to listen to the birds, watch the sunlight slip slowly across the wall until it hits a spot the cats can bask in, and daydream about brass mirrors.

Who else is up at this hour?

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